I'M A QUITTER...and it's OK.

So.... where to start? I quit the Whole30. I know I know, it was my first resolution and I blew it. But I'm ok with it. I gave it a shot, I did my research and all my preparation, and I followed it without cheating at all for 10 days. Then...several different things happened.
1. I got sick. I came down with a pretty bad cold and was all stopped up, sinus headaches, etc. I got on some cold medicine that was effecting me different than normal-making me shaky and short of breath for some reason when I took it.
2. I started feeling pretty nauseous off and on. Seriously-for about 4 days. I still don't really know what the deal is with that. Maybe I was detoxing and could have just "pushed through" it, maybe it was part of my cold, I don't know....but it was awful and I could hardly eat anything and the thought of all those fats that are required with tons of meat and veggies....made me want to throw up. So, I really wasn't eating enough.
3. I was miserable. I was trying really hard to convince myself I was really liking that stuff, and don't get me wrong, some of the meals were great! But, I was SO TIRED of protein and veggies or salad with dressing that I hate. I found myself CRAVING not pizza or McDonalds...honestly that was so far out of my mind in preparation for the Whole30 that it really just wasn't an option...but I was craving all my "healthy diet foods" that I was eating last year, when I lost 50 pounds. I wanted my Body By Vi shakes with almond milk, I wanted my spinach and feta salads from Kroger, I wanted black beans, I wanted flat-out pizzas....and I was just thinking is all that really SO BAD?!
4. The prep work was TOOOOOO MUCH. Having to literally cook almost everything and meal prep EVERYTHING to go to work. And, I am on the go so much that making time so be able to actually always heat up a meal, or sit down and eat a salad, is hard. It is not realistic in my day to day life where my day almost never goes as planned and I never know where I'll be at lunch time, or what time I will actually end up getting home to eat dinner.

The final straw for me was on a Monday....I had already given myself a "cheat day" the day before with all kinds of excuses and justifications. I literally woke up and felt nauseous on Sunday (1/12), so I ate a banana thinking I just didn't end up getting enough calories in the day before due to being sick. I went back to sleep a couple hours, woke up, and promptly ran to the toilet to throw up (TMI?!). I had a brief panicked thought that I might be prego but knew that it was highly unlikely (won't go into too much detail here, but I knew I had not missed the monthly thing that lets us ladies know we are NOT with-child lol). Well, on this day we were set to go bike riding...me, the hubs, and the bestie. I had already pre-reserved the bikes on-line (10% discount for reserving early so I was all over that!!), so I was NOT backing out. So we went, and a few hours and 12 miles later, my nifty polar watch informed me I had burned like 1400 calories!

Naturally, after burning so many calories I had "earned" a cheat meal, right?! I am trying to get out of that way of thinking....BUT, I just knew that there was no way I could eat a decent amount of calories in chicken and veggies to make up for that calorie burn, and not continue to be nauseous! So....I won't go into great detail but I cheated the rest of that day. In my head, I still thought I would get right back to Whole30 the next day at that point. 

So, the next morning, I woke up...did my usual thing of making and eating a good Whole30 breakfast, packed my lunch, and headed to work....and realized once I got there I had left my lunch on the counter. So, I knew I would have to actually go to the grocery store to find something to eat as there is literally almost no restaurants or especially fast food anything that is "Whole30 compliant." So on my lunch break, I ran to Kroger. I walked through the produce and ended up with an apple and a bag of carrots in my cart. I knew that wasn't gonna cut it, but what am I gonna do when I can't eat meat?! There isn't really a pre-cooked Whole30 compliant meat option that I was aware of or could find. I didn't see any of those handy "pre-boiled" eggs, they didn't have any "wholly guacamole," so I literally was gonna have no real fat or protein and be starving all day long. I went over to the "health food" section and read labels for 15 minutes and still-nothing! By this point I was actually pretty pissed off and arguing with myself in my head about WHY I was putting myself through this. So, on a whim, I quit. And I didn't say screw it and go through the drive-thru, or even grab a lean cuisine. I got this:

Now you can't tell me that is a terrible lunch?! It has fruit, veggie, protein, and even some FORBIDDEN dairy...but you know what? I am NOT lactose intolerant....I don't have any allergies or reason not to eat ANY of those things. So I ate it. And I enjoyed it. And then I promptly posted this picture with a long explanation as to why I was quitting Whole30 on my instagram and facebook...one thing that does suck about being public about your journey is you have to be public about your failures as well. I had made such a big deal about the damn thing if I was all the sudden eating a cheese stick or a ::gasp:: store bought salad, that would not fly. So I explained it to everyone that cared to read:

"I'm quitting the #whole30. I really don't like to give up on specific challenges I set for myself but the more research I have done on whole30 and the longer I am on it the more I know it's not for me. I am going to continue to eat cleaner and will still follow some of the rules (no sodas, no alcohol for the 30 days at least, be ve...ry aware of added sugars and keep them as low as possible) and am going to be doing everything in moderation that I do add back in (cheese occasionally only, only whole grains-no white flour anything, etc.). I am going to continue drinking tons of water and continue with my workouts. I am not "giving up" on losing weight and being healthier (in order to be happier!). But, this way of eating is just tooooo restrictive and I do not agree with all of the rules and 30 days IS a really long time. Longer than I thought it would be-at least when I'm following rules I don't believe in or see the point in. It's making me resent the program and dread every meal because it's so much WORK and so HARD. I lost 50 pounds last year just making a conscious effort to be healthier and counting calories. It doesn't HAVE to be this miserable. Almond milk, whole grains, black beans, and cheese (in moderation) CAN be part of a very healthy diet. If you are trying to diagnose medical ailments you THINK might be caused by some type of food intolerance (gluten, dairy, etc) then this may be a great program for you!! I am not. And I hate it. And I'm over it. Rant over. I will still be continuing on my weight loss and getting healthy journey though!!"

And then I saw the picture/quote below, and knew I had made the right choice FOR ME.

Whole30 is not a lifestyle, for me. I know that I am not going to keep that restrictive eating up. I need to get used to eating in a way that is going to be REALISTIC for me to continue doing FOREVER. Why waste an entire month of my life when I really have no intentions of that being my "habit." Right now, when it is January and my motivation is very strong because I am starting fresh, I need to start MAKING my habits NOW; doing things that I can stick to and things that will work for me in the long run. 

So, I have since continued with MyFitnessPal, and continued eating healthy for the most part. I do need to get a few things in check. I need to learn how to say no just because I can and should, and not only when I am on some cleanse or have 30 days of certain rules...I am still not there yet. I have been eating good about 90% of the time (ok, maybe 85%...)but then I went to the movies and had popcorn (for dinner, so my calories were in check, but obviously not a healthy choice!), went to Larry's for a ladies dinner with my family and did indulge and get pizza (I saved my calories all day but I am SURE I still went over...c'mon, what "dieter" in their right mind goes to a pizza buffet under ANY circumstances?!), and even today, I went to Ta Molly's with my co-workers for lunch....Because eating alone when everyone else is going out sucks. But, I need to SUCK IT UP. I need to do what I know is BEST for me. Or AT THE VERY LEAST, I need to get the chicken taco salad and not eat the shell...instead of being a fat kid with NO WILL POWER and ordering enchiladas with rice and beans. I mean what was I thinking?!

Now in between those BAD meals I have had healthy stuff, and I have had more healthy stuff than non-healthy stuff since quitting the Whole30:

Those are just a few of my meals i have had. 

I have also been continuing my workouts!

Along with some undocumented ones! I actually was really on quite a roll... I worked out daily from 1/10/14 until 1/21/14....11 days in a row....which may not seem like much but I have never in my life consistently worked out and even last year when I was hard core and doing good I was still only getting in 4 or SOMETIMES 5 workouts a week. Then, I had a headache all day on Tuesday and it was a long day and I just wasn't feeling it and took a day off. But, then I got right back to it and made SURE the hubby and I went to the gym together the next night and I have done SOMETHING every day since. I saw that youtube video that was flying around facebook a few weeks ago about the girl that documented her journey over 100 days when she worked out daily, and it was so inspiring!! Something like that is really kind of my goal, but I really don't want to set another goal for myself that I don't think I can keep....I think that I am going to try to something similar, but not QUITE as strict. For clients, we often set a requirement of them to complete 90 meetings in 90 days (I am a Family Service Worker for DHS....I deal with people with addictions to drugs and/or alcohol on a daily basis and as I have said, I truly think that the food and fitness battle can be a very similar struggle!). So, I am not making it formal or official, but I sort of have in my head that I want to do "90 workouts in 90 days." That would give me a little wiggle room to double up if I am sick or whatever and miss a day here and there. I am at this point trying to consider a "work out" doing SOMETHING for at least 30 minutes....whether it's 20 minutes of cardio and my arm weights at home for 10 minutes, or whatever. So, so far I am at 14/15 and have a workout that I need to make-up, if I am gonna do this!

I know this post is very long, because I felt like I needed to catch up on the whole quitting Whole30, but not QUITTING this lifestyle. I have been feeling pretty discouraged because since I did quit Whole30, the scale has NOT been moving. Well, it has, but certainly not in the direction I want. I have been fluctuating a lot but have been pretty much on average about 2 pounds up from my lowest, on the day before I quit Whole30, for 12 days now. I know I lost 11 pounds in the 11 days of Whole30, and I know that is not a realistic expectation to keep up, or even really "healthy." But, it is very discouraging to still be working so hard and NOT losing. So that is why, here in the last week, I have just ended up saying F it I am gonna eat Larry's with the rest of my family and damnit I want popcorn at the movies when I go. I know that is a very slippery slope and I need to stop those kind of thoughts NOW. Justifying major cheat meals like that and making unhealthy choices are what got me here, and I want to make changes-PERMANENT changes. I just need to stay focused and stay on track and TRUST THE PROCESS. Trust that if I continue to count my calories, eat healthy (even if not "paleo" or all "clean"), and work out regularly, I WILL lose weight again. I didn't get in this situation overnight, and I am not going to meet my goals overnight either. 

So, at this point, I am using MyFitnessPal daily to track calories, working out as much as I can, and just trying to wake up EVERY DAY remembering my goals and what is really important to me. I think I do better with small goals. Whole30 was maybe just TOO MUCH. A month is a long time, y'all!! So, this coming week, my goals are:

• Complete a shakeology cleanse. I have done these before and really like them, and maybe it will at least get that scale moving again (even if just a little) to help me feel encouraged again.I know, cleanses are sometimes looked down upon and it is again not a realistic "lifestyle," but I have had success with these before and I think doing a 3-day cleanse a few times a year is not a bad thing.
• Get back to ONLY drinking water. I had 3 diet cokes last week (well, if I'm being honest...I had diet cokes the 3 times I went out...at the movies, at Larry's, and at Ta Molly's-and you know I took advantage of those free refills!! So....I had a lot of diet coke). Now, that is NOTHING compared to the 5 A DAY I could and sometimes did put away before, while drinking very little to no water!! But again...it is moving BACKWARDS. I will get back to ONLY my water (And Spark!! Spark doesn't count!) and drinking 64-100 ounces daily. 
• Work out every day-whether it is 30 minutes on the treadmill, 25 minutes of Jillian (you KNOW 30 day shred should count for a full 30 minute workout even if the video is just a tad shy by the end of 25 minutes with Jillian Michaels I am sweating bullets, shaking, and can't walk the next day-so it counts!), an hour walking at the lake, or 2 hours climbing a mountain. Do SOMETHING daily.

So, there are my weekly goals!! I may check in during the week to update on how things are going but if not I will next weekend for sure. Maybe that should be another goal-blog once a week!

Now, I'll leave you with some motivation and some funnies!

(I really need to take the time to crop the motivational posts that I screen shot off of instagram or various places!! haha I guess at least this way I am giving them credit for where I found it!)

Have a good week, lovelies!!